“The Happening”

I had this wonderful review of "The Happening," but Word decided to go gay on me and I lost it all. So here I go, trying to make something almost as good.

I'm here today to tell you something of grave importance. It's important, but in the way that you see stuff on CNN that's "important." No, this is "important" in the way that you have to watch your favourite TV show every week is "important," or you have to do your homework is "important." Speaking of which, I know you didn't do your English essay yet. Seriously, stop procrastinating and go do it.

To the two and a half of you that are left, I'm here today to tell you about how utterly shitty the movie "The Happening" is. This is unquestionably the crappiest movie, ever made. If you saw it and liked it, go away. It's awful, end of story. I mean, I would rather eat three full barrels of live insects than subject myself to this movie again. I would rather jump off the CN Tower, and then drag my crippled body to my home and repeatedly bash my head with a meat cleaver than watch this movie again.

Stay with me, here I go trying to give you a rundown of the movie. Before I even touch on the story line, I'm going to talk to you about the actor in it. Mark Wahlberg is in it, and, like usual, he sucks. I mean, come on. "The Italian Job" sucked. "Four Brothers" sucked. "Shooter" super sucked. But "The Happening" is worse than all of those movies put together. Yes, "The Happening" super ultra mega sucked donkey balls. His lack of emotions is just hilarious.

Now for the story line. Don't leave, I promise it gets really, really good. And I'm fully serious. So we start off in New York City, with Mark Wahlberg playing some stupid science teacher in some stupid school. We cut to Central Park. It's like the middle of the day, when this strange wind starts blowing through the trees. Then, people stop. Like, they freeze and act like complete zombies. One guy finds this gun on the path (like nobody even saw the guy put it there?), takes it (remember he's acting like a zombie, meaning no emotions) and blows his brains out. Then another guy comes, steals the gun from his dead hands, and shoots himself. Half the people in Central Park end up killing themselves. I mean, how great is that.

The news are like "it's a terrorist attack, it's a terrorist attack" but of course Wahlberg has to be like "wait... it's not." He comes up with this bullshit theory that it's like the trees that are releasing some crap that's causing people to kill themselves. Yes, the trees are making us kill ourselves. I know it's hilarious, but it gets even better. Sure, nobody believes him, and they head on a train to New Jersey. Meanwhile, these "strange" incidents of people killing themselves increases all over the north-eastern states, and they're all getting "really, really scared."

Now's when the real joy comes to the viewer. Wahlberg decides out of the blue that the trees are killing groups of people. Like, what kind of bullshit is that? Yes, the trees know how many people you're standing with and they kill you if it's over like a certain number. They find this paranoid lady in like some Amish home who's like, really stupid. There's something about a subplot where Wahlberg has to save his family with his emotionless face, but it's nothing in comparison to the real danger: the homicidal trees. Not only will the trees kill you, but they'll kill your entire party.

This is how he saves the world: he stays inside the crazy lady's house until the trees decide that "okay, we killed enough people." And then he claims that he saved the world. Roll credits.

Epilogue: this shit happens again in a different country. Yay, Mexican Mark Wahlberg.

Apparently, trees will kill you if you travel in groups. Because groups piss them off.

Well, trees won't kill you, but they'll make you kill yourself.

But hey, Mark Wahlberg was in "The Departed," so you should totally go and watch "The Happening."

It's the worst movie ever. And if you watch it in high definition, you can see all the homicidal-leaf action. You can see their thoughts.